A Story:

Twenty-nine year old Sinderella steps out of a taxi, picks up a pile of college books that were beside her and heads for the house. She has just worked a long hard day at Disney world and put six hours in at college listening to boring professors give their lectures. She didn't really want to take these college courses, but she had to so that she could make more money at her job. With four children to cloth and feed there just wasn't enough money for them to enjoy life, not even with her husband working too.

Opening the door, feeling half asleep, Sinderella steps into the kitchen onto a slippery, gooy spot of something on the floor.

"What the H is this!" she screams out to deaf ears. She looks around and the kitchen is a mess. It looks like a cyclone blew threw emptying the contents of the cupboard and strewing them everywhere. There was a cereal box laying on its side on the counter with cereal spilled out with some in a pile on the floor. There was an open jug of milk and a cup tipped over with a puddle of milk around it. The sink was full of dirty dishes that extended over onto the small counter space.

Sinderella's heart sank. Just once she would like to come home to a clean house. What a mess!

"Life just isn't worth it," she said as she kicked furiously at a toy on the floor in her way. She slammed her books down onto a chair and went to the frig in hopes of finding a soda. She opened the frig door and peered in to find no soda. She slammed the door shut in anger, "It figures," she sneered out loud.

Exhausted and disillusioned, she headed up to bed muttering, "Every night it's the same thing." She was bitter and near tears, but no tears came. She had cried all of her tears long ago.

Sinderella had a near photographic memory. She passed from high school with exceptional grades, not because she studied a lot, but because when it came time to write her exams, the answers were there for her. But Sinderella had never developed her problem solving skills. She did not know how to put her book learning to use for everyday situations. What she had learned was just words in a book that had to be written down on pieces of paper so that she could get good marks in school. Everyone was happy, at school, with her accomplishments of high grades and that was it.

At home, she was not allowed to help in the kitchen, as she was growing up. When she reached her adult size, her mother made comments like, "I wish you would help around here," and "Can't you get up off your dead a.. and do something."

"Da, what's to do, you always tell me to stay out of 'your' kitchen, so do the stuff yourself," she would snap rather curt back.

Her mother and role model worked a full time job in a grocery store. She had worked her way up to head cashier and loved it. She was a good organizer at work and at home too when she wanted to be. She could cook everything for a family party. Hurrying here and there, she always managed to get it all done, but was exhausted when everyone left.

She'd mutter out loud, seemingly to herself, that she was over worked and that her thoughtless husband and children could help if they had a brain in their heads. Couldn't they see that she was tired and needed help, but very seldom did she get help. Usually her husband and she flung nasty personal cutting remarks back and forth between them like arrows sent straight to the heart. These nasty remarks seemed to rolled right off her like water off a ducks back, but from the pained look on her face, anyone with half a bit of awareness could see that they hit into her heart. She would comment, "It doesn't bother me."

So here we have a mother who is a good worker away from home and at home, but who has not learned how to get her own children to help her with daily chores. We also have a woman who lives in denial, saying that hurtful words and actions don't affect her. She told everyone that she was strong and could take it all.

"Whatever they can dish out, I can take," she'd say.

"I'm just like you now, Mummy" a fleeting thought flits through Sinderella's mind as she stoops wearily up the stairs. She frowned, "Where did that come from?" she wonders and shook off the feeling to continue up the stairs.

Sinderella didn't let herself think about her childhood. She was glad to be out on her own, leaving just as soon as she graduated. She moved far enough away that she could only go home once in a while. When she went home, she want a rest from her daily life.

She wanted to go home and shut out all of life's disappointments - the hurts, the feelings of no control, all those negative, exhausting events - she wanted a healing place. But, when she got to her mother's home, she walked back into the same situations as she left. Nothing had changed. Oh, there were new faces dropping by to swap stories and drink beer with her dad. Her mom's hair was graying and she was hunched over more and complained that she wasn't as young as she used to be, but basically, everything was the same.

"Monkey see, monkey do, people tend to act like monkey's too."

When we are treated in a negative way and feel hurt in our childhood, those feelings are supposed to be a signal to us that we are not to act out those same mannerisms. But, what happens is, we often shut off our hurt feelings. As we grow up, our mind slowly builds a wall against the hurts, until we finally deny that we hurt.

The hurt still is inside sitting there waiting to be recognized. Sometimes, especially when we are tired or sick, those feelings surface and we remember the situation where the hurt was inflicted. That gets us angry. Why were we hurt? It wasn't fair! There was no reason for my parents to say such nasty things to me. Oh, well, I don't have time for this, so you shut the door on those hurt feelings again. You find yourself doing and saying exactly the same things to your children that were said to you as a youth. Monkey see, monkey do.

When does the hurting stop? How do we stop inflicting hurt?

First we must accept the hurt. We must let ourselves feel the hurt and identify it. Being hurt by words is like catching an egg that breaks all over us. Someone throws a nasty word our way. If we catch it, the egg breaks covering us with the hurt and now we own it. The hurt is ours. What do we do with it?

If we say, "Ouch, that hurt," we have recognized the hurt. What do we do next? If we allow ourselves to become the hurt feeling, we strike back and throw an egg full of hurt back just as hard as we can."

Smuck, it hit the person on the back, because you were afraid to say you were hurt to their face. You waited until their back was turned, then you threw the nasty remark. Yes, it hit them because they turned around and looked really mean and ugly at you. Now they are saying more hurtful words to you and you're giving them back as fast as you can think of them. And around and around we go. When does it stop?

The hurting stops when you realize that you can control what you feel. Yes, you are just like all of the actors that you see in the movies and in your TV set. Someone writes a story. That story is going to be made into a movie or a TV show. Actors and actresses are hired to act out the parts that are written to tell the story. It doesn't matter if an actor is having a good day or a bad day, they must act the way that the script tells them to act. If it says be angry, then they act angry. If the script says to act kind and loving, then that is how they act.

You can take control of your life and act anyway that you want to at any given time. What do you want to act like? Does it feel good to feel hurt when someone says nasty words about you? You do not have to become the nasty feeling that that person is trying to get you to act like.

Let me tell you a little secret. When your friend, or family member 'gets a rise out of you,' meaning that they said something very mean and hurtful to you and you responded by getting upset, that person gets a charge of energy. Watch very closely the next time that a person upsets you and you will soon learn how to detect that charge of energy.

Some people use that energy to get meaner and meaner. They might even change from words to hitting or throwing things. Some people just get a silly smile of satisfaction on their face. Some people give a big sigh. Some people are sneaky and try to hide the fact that they got a boost of energy from their meanness. That kind of person does not share easily. Watch closely. Why should you give them some of your energy? If you give out what is called a 'negative response,' then you are not in control of your own feelings and emotions. That's like a speeding car with no driver!

So how do we take control of our life? A good way to begin is to stand in front of a mirror and start acting. Talk out loud to yourself in the mirror. After all, you are your own best audience. It is 'you' that you have to please in life, not others. Yes, it's true that when you are living with your parents, they have rules that you must follow. But, you are in control of your own feelings and it is you that you must make happy.

No one else can make you happy. Oh, yes, you might feel happy because of something nice someone else says or does. Or you might feel unhappy and hurt when someone says or does something mean. BUT, you feel those responses, right? Well, you are in control of them. Do you catch that egg and set it down to reject it? Or do you let it hit you and cover you with all that meanness and then become that meanness?

How do you know when you have learned to be in control of your own feelings? It is simple. When you immediately recognize what you feel the moment that you start feeling it. If it is negative, you stop the feeling, push it out away from you and reject it. You decide that you don't want to be, let's say 'mean', at that moment. You decide that you want to act indifferent, kind, or happy, or another feeling. When you can do this, then you are in full control of your feelings.

The earlier in life you learn how to do take control of your feelings, the happier your life will be. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a long happy life, rather than not learn all of this until you are a grandmother, or a grandfather? Life should be happy and full of fun.

Here's something else that is very important to understand. A person can only act out how they feel. Yes, that person who is mean to you is feeling mean on the inside. They have caught the 'mean egg' from someone else and become whatever the egg had in it. They took on the meanness of someone else and passed it on to you. Wow! And if you get mean, you are giving out what you feel. Also, you attract to you people who feel like you. You might disagree with this, but stop and think about it. Are you being totally honest about how you feel on the inside? Or are you shutting off how you feel and denying it.

Taking control of your life means that you must be very, very honest with yourself. Then guest what? If you are honest with yourself, then you will be honest with other people too. You can only give out what you are feeling inside. Just like an actor, you can act anyway that you want to. Those actors and actresses make themselves feel happy to act happy.

How do you make yourself feel happy when someone has said something nasty and you are hurt by it? You have felt happiness before, so you know what it feels like. Recall a time and situation when you did feel happy and draw those past feelings of happiness to you now. Make yourself remember and duplicate the feelings, but not the event. That is taking control of your life. Yes, you can do it even at the most sad or depressing times. You can feel anything that you want to feel.

Remember, no one can makes you feel a certain way. You are in charge of your own feelings, so take charge of them, don't let your feelings control you. Don't catch that rotten egg that someone throws your way. If you do catch it, don't hold onto it very long. Recognize that you are feeling sad, mean, unhappy, happy, giggly, etc., and decide if that is the way that you want to act. Does it feel good? Will it benefit you? If not, let that feeling go. Make yourself feel happy or serene, contented, thoughtful, curious, or inspired. Meaness makes you feel sick inside and lead to a stomach ache.

Make a chart of your good feelings and a chart of your not-so-nice feelings. Learn the words to identify your feelings. Unless you know how to put a name to a feeling, you can't learn to push it away, if you don't want to feel that way. Make a fun game out of all of this. Use your imagination. Be creative. Draw different faces with different moods, or feelings, on them.

Perhaps you could take a picture of yourself when you were very happy and hang it up somewhere you will see it often. When you are feeling a little down, look at that picture and make yourself feel happy like you were in the picture.

Write down some phrases that are mean and make a note to yourself never to say these mean words to anyone. Recognize what a mean, negative statement is and what a nice, positive statement is.

Check off what kind of statement these are:
M = mean; N = nice.
"You're fat, get away from me." M or N
"I don't like you around." M or N
"You look pretty today." M or N
"Don't act like a brat." M or N
"You always make me feel so good." M or N
"I like having you around." M or N
"You act just like that hateful father of yours." M or N
"Don't you think your something great?" M or N
"Go to H...." M or N
"You rotten little s.o.b., I'll wring your neck." M or N
"I'll get even with you." M or N
"Give my a hug." M or N
"Who do you think you are, you're nobody, that's who." M or N
"You'll never make anything of you're life." M or N
"I can't stand you, you make me sick." M or N

Now you add some of your own on a piece of paper. It is a good idea to concentrate on statements that are uplifting and happy. It is necessary to learn how to tell the difference, though.

Blaming Others

It is called 'human nature' to first blame others and say they having made us do such and such. But it really is your ego, selfish part that makes you blame others for situations that happen to you.
"I hate you for 'making me' this way." Or,
"'You made' me do things that I didn't want to do and I hate you for that." Or,
"'You ruined' my life because you made me do such and such."

These are all statements that people make when they are in denial that they control their own life. No one makes us do anything, not even when we are a child. A child can refuse to do what is asked of them, if it is something that they don't want to do. So after the age of about five, to say that a parent made me do such and such, is not a true statement.

As long as you refuse to believe that you and only you control your feelings and actions, then you will live in denial and not be truly happy. Yikes, that's not for you, is it? Happiness is what life should all about.

Here's another situation that happens a lot. How often have you done something and felt really good about it at the time, but later you decided that what you did was wrong? If it gave you a good feeling at the time, then it was the right thing to do at that time.

The ego, or negative, part of you likes that feeling or burst of energy that it gets from a negative reaction. The ego part of you will often 'talk you out of' doing good, of doing what is right for you. OR, you have all of these well meaning 'friends and family' that will tell you that something you have done in the past, or want to do in the future, is a bad, or stupid, thing to do. You know at the time that it made you feel good inside, but you begin to listen to either your ego or another person who was not involve with the situation. Bingo, now you aren't following your path, your voice within. You are the only one who can follow that voice. There will be obstacles in the way to see how devoted you are to being a good, kind, helpful person.

Your true inner voice will always be a positive influence, telling you to do good for others. Take control of your life. Make that decision and get on with a wonderful life.